Fawkes: The Life of a MarySue
by Ashly Potter
Summary: Fawkes is your average MarySue, but no one said she had to like her own kind. With the help of her friends, she plans to rid Hogwarts of the rest of the Sues. But with canon characters from different worlds and Fluffy!Harry it might be difficult.
1. Someone Shoot Me

A/N I got bored. Ok, not a very good excuse, but it will have to do. Basically, this is the life of my alter-ego, Fawkes. Yes, Fawkes is a Mary- Sue, that's how I created her before I knew what Mary-Sues were. So, anyway, this is her life as hating herself! . . .you'll see.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything that is J.K. Rowling's' is hers; everything that is mine is mine; everything PPC is Jay and Acacia's, any questions?  
  
Chapter One: Someone Shoot Me  
  
Why does the sun have to come in so bloody damn light? I looked at the clock and found that it was 7:30 a.m. Time for breakfast, good. I like breakfast. Sometimes it's the only time I get when no one bothers me. Although, sometimes people still bother me.  
  
My name is Fawkes, and I am a Mary-Sue. Yes, I admit it; I am one of the biggest Mary-Sues you'll ever see, and I hate myself. Every day I wish that the PPC will come and either kill me or recruit me. Probably the first since I've screwed up canon so much, but it works for me.  
  
A lot of Mary-Sues come here often, and I mean a lot. We get people lusting after Harry, Ron, Snape, Sirius, Remus, Draco, you name it, and I've seen it. I even had a nasty run-in with someone trying to be with Filch. I shiver at the memory, it was interesting, but oh so wrong.  
  
I myself have managed to get with Harry. Never a moment's peace. He's always trying to give me presents or tell me how beautiful I am or some crap like that. Everyday I want to strangle the kid, but then tell myself he's a canon character and I can't kill him.  
  
Although I can't help but think I'm in some alternate universe for fanfic. I really hope I am. I don't know what J.K. Rowling would do if she actually found out about the Mary-Sues. Probably strangle us, choke us, and cook us in a stew.  
  
Oh Valar help me, I'm speaking in bad rhyme.  
  
So, anyway, back to breakfast. Well, I walked down the stairs into the Great Hall where, of course, everyone was already. As much as I love Hogwarts, it can really get on my nerves. Especially Harry, Fluffy!Harry. Sometimes he can also be Ansgsty!Harry. I'd like him to be LeaveFawkesAlone!Harry, but, of course, that'll never happen. So, down at breakfast, the first thing he does is come ask me about something or other. I think it was something about a walk around the lake or something horribly romantic like that that you just want to gag at. I just nod my head and smile and say 'sure' when he's done so he'll leave me alone. Sure enough, he then goes back to talk to Ron and Hermione who have suddenly become hopelessly in love with each other.  
  
It was better then last week when Hermione was in love with Snape and Ron was in love with Draco (or, more accurately, Drako). I still shiver at the memory.  
  
Do you think the Astronomy Tower is tall enough so that if someone jumps off they'll splat? No Fawkes! You know that then it'll start an angst fest that'll never end. I want to get out of here, one way or another.  
  
I'd really like to be recruited by the PPC; I already kill Sues' anyway. Like I said before, lots of them come through here; you don't see any now because I kill them all with the help of my friends, Rachel and Sarah. They get really annoying with their angsty lives and perfect body. Whenever I'm done with them I throw them in this room that makes them disappear. I have no idea where they go, but it's not my problem.  
  
Well, anyway, back to the present. Well, the rest of breakfast went fairly well and no one bothered me because I have clearly stated my reputation as NOT A MORNING PERSON! Well, anyway, Rachel and Sarah were somewhere else as I ate away semi-happily. After breakfast I went to the Library where, sure enough, there was Rachel and Sarah.  
  
"We have a new student," said Rachel.  
  
"We saw her talking to Professor Dumbledore a little while ago," finished Sarah.  
  
Great, this is just the way to start my day; we have another Mary-Sue to kill. "What's her story?" I asked sitting down next to them. It didn't really matter if we went to class or not because all the teachers were under Mary-Sue influence and taught a whole bunch of bull-shit stuff anyway.  
  
Plus, I didn't know if I could deal with the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher today.  
  
So, anyway, back to where we were before!  
  
"Voldemort killed her parents, she's an elf, and she's made Legolas fall madly in love with her," said Sarah in a nut shell.  
  
Gee, where have I heard THAT one before? Oh yeah, earlier this week.  
  
"Questionable parents?" there was a lot of those when getting into Lord of the Rings.  
  
"Well," said Rachel, "we're not quite sure, but we think it may be Elrond and Galadriel."  
  
"Again!?" I yelled. What is it with people paring Elrond with his mother-in- law? I shook my head. "What I don't understand is how Voldemort could have killed her parents and yet she's lived in Middle-Earth all her life or, at least I'm guessing she has."  
  
"She has," said Sarah, "Apparently Voldemort is Saruman in disguise."  
  
"Great," I said, "is Dumbledore also related to Gandalf?"  
  
"Surprisingly no," said Rachel, "the author is trying to sound like she knows canon so well to realize that Gandalf and Dumbledore are not related."  
  
"It didn't help though," I finished.  
  
"Oh, there's another thing," said Rachel hesitantly.  
  
"Yes?" I asked. I knew this probably wasn't something I wanted to know but would find out later eventually anyway.  
  
Rachel and Sarah looked at each other as if wondering weather or not they should tell me. "Well," said Sarah, "see, since she's 'an elf', she's about a thousand or something like that. . ."  
  
"And. . .?" maybe I really don't want to know.  
  
"She's also made Sirius fall in love with her," finished Rachel as both she and Sarah ducked under the table.  
  
"WHAT!?" Some one get my weapons, I'm going to kill that Sue now. Anyone who knows me knows that I think that Sirius is, by far, the best character. People who know me also ask if I'm alright in the head, to which I reply, "Phht! No! Of course not!"  
  
"That's a nasty twitch you got there," said a voice behind me. Turning around, I realized that it was the Sue.  
  
"You must be Fawkes," she said holding out her hand, which I didn't take.  
  
"Yes," I said, giving her a glare that might rival Saruon's. Of course, she didn't notice the truly deathly glare I was giving her since EVERYONE is supposed to love her.  
  
She pulled back her hand and kept talking, "I've heard a lot about you, it seems you've been here for quite a while."  
  
"Yes," I answered again. "A long while."  
  
"I also hear that your mom teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts." She just HAD to bring THAT up. It's not like it was my choice of who my parents were, the author just decided to give me some parents that, of course, HAD to be canon characters and, for some reason, now one of them has to teach at Hogwarts despite living in Middle-Earth all her life. I hate my life.  
  
"Yes," I said, starting to twitch again. She wasn't the worst I'd ever dealt with, but it was close.  
  
"Well, I must be off," she said. "It was nice meeting you. By the way, my name is Crysantha." And she walked off.  
  
I'm going to kill her slow and painfully.  
  
~*~*~  
  
A/N Well, how do you like the first chapter? As far as I know, this has never been done before, so I'm trying to be original. Well, bye alls!  
  
~Fawkes (In case anyone knows they've heard the name before but can't remember where, it's Dumbledore's phoenix) 


	2. Bitter Sue

A/N Here's the next chapter, sorry for the wait!  
  
Chapter 2: Bitter 'Sue  
  
It was potions and Gryffindor was getting points. NEVER A GOOD SIGN! That 'Sue had Snape wrapped around her perfect little finger, they usually do. Good news was that we hadn't seen any new canon characters from Middle- Earth roaming the halls. One was enough, thanks.  
  
So, after that disaster of a class; Rachel, Sarah, and I were free for the rest of the day. I was happy for about two seconds, because then I remembered that 'walk around the lake' I'd promised Harry. Oh, joy.  
  
Time goes by fast when you really don't want it to. Before long, I was saying 'good-bye' to Rachel and Sarah and walking out the door convincing myself that it would not be a good idea to throw Harry in the lake and drown him.  
  
"Hello my Phoenix." It took a lot of convincing after that.  
  
"Don't call me that!" I snapped. Why does he call me that? Is it supposed to be romantic or something?  
  
"Sorry," he said, his smile wavering. "Did you hear about the new student?"  
  
"Yes," I said, trying not to curse her very existence out loud.  
  
"She seems nice."  
  
"Absolutely wonderful." Luckily, he never really catches sarcasm.  
  
"I hear she comes from the same place you do."  
  
"Yes, she does." Top 100 reasons why I hate Mary-Sues. . .  
  
"Have you met her before?"  
  
"I've not had the pleasure." Pleasure of stabbing her in the back, literally.  
  
"You seem. . .upset," he said. Well, at least he's catching on.  
  
"I'm just. . .stressed," I said. Well, that wasn't an entire lie. You'd be stressed too if you were me!  
  
Harry grinned, "Back rub?" Horny little bugger. . .  
  
Luckily it didn't take much longer after that till I could escape back to the Common Room where Rachel and Sarah were waiting for me.  
  
"How'd it go?" asked Rachel.  
  
"There are no words," I muttered as I sat down on one of the squishy armchairs. I love the squishy armchairs! They're so. . .squishy!  
  
"What are we going to do about this girl?" asked Sarah.  
  
"Kill her slowly and painfully," I said.  
  
"Well, of course we'll do that!" said Rachel. "But we don't know how to kill her."  
  
I looked at them in surprise. They'd killed Mary-Sues before, what made this one different? As if she was reading my mind, Sarah then said, "She has most of the school willing to save her ass should anyone try to kill her, she's never alone, and she's one of those 'Almighty Sues' that are like the bosses on video games that take 20 hits to kill."  
  
Oh great, one of those nut cases, this was going to be fun. . .NOT! "What are we going to do?" asked Rachel.  
  
Before Rachel even asked, I knew what we had to do, though I knew none of us were going to like it, "We have to ask Filch for help." By the looks on Rachel and Sarah's faces, I knew they weren't going to like it either.  
  
~*~*~  
  
A/N Well, how do you like it? Leave a review and tell me what you think. Also, the Mary-Sue in the story at the moment I've made up, but if you have a Mary-Sue that needs to be killed. . .report it to PPC, or Fawkes can kill it too. Bye all!  
  
~Fawkes 


	3. Planning Her Demise

A/N Here's the chapter you've all been waiting for I'm sure. *notice obvious sarcasm* Well, anyway, for all you people who haven't figured it out yet (or I haven't told you yet), you get to find out who Fawkes' parents are in this chapter. Not very exciting, and I hope no one has lost sleep over it, but I decided it might become relevant later.  
  
Disclaimer: I own Fawkes, Rachel, and Sarah. Take Rachel and Sarah and suffer my wraith, they're from my original story. The brilliant minds of Jay and Acacia thought of PPC, certainly not me, J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and everything to do with it, and the Great Master Tolkien created Lord of the Rings.  
  
Chapter 3: Planning Her Demise  
  
The next day Rachel, Sarah, and I got up early for Quidditch practice. I was a chaser, Rachel and Sarah just came to watch. Luckily, it was raining, so we could easily lure Filch by tracking mud all over the castle.  
  
Practice was done early because our new Keeper, (4th one this month) Crysantha, didn't want to get all wet and muddy.  
  
Now, supposedly, I'm not supposed to be able to get dirty, but I was practically rolling in the mud because 1) I could find Filch easier like this, 2) it was fun, and 3) for some reason it made the Sue mad; heh heh.  
  
What made my mood go sour early was seeing a large, black dog in the bleachers watching us practice.  
  
"Is that Sirius?" asked Harry from right next to me.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said as I walked away. He looked at me, obviously confused. He'd told me about Sirius a long time ago, but I was playing dumb at the moment so that he'd leave me alone and I could escape with Sarah and Rachel.  
  
Tramping mud in the castle is more fun then you'd think, even with Impending Doom coming upon us. Sure enough, Filch was there in a flash. "What do you girls think you're doing?" He really can make anyone fear for their life.  
  
"Trying to get your attention," I said calmly. "I'm sure you have heard of the new Mary-Sue, right?" From the way he's mumbling under his breath, I'd say yes. "Well, you see, Rachel, Sarah, and I need your help again."  
  
He glared at me. You have no idea how scary it is to see Filch glare at you. "I remember," he said, "you lot early got me killed."  
  
"Incinerated to be exact," said Rachel, grinning. What is it with her and fire?  
  
"Yes," said Fitch, now glaring at Rachel, "I remember." Yeah, so do I. Nasty run-in with a Snape luster that was, apparently, half-demon, so she could set almost anything on fire at will. It was not fun.  
  
"Well, Mr. Fitch, sir," said Sarah, trying to be polite, "we can't kill this one without your help." Fitch though about this for a long time, so long in fact that I was about to scream, but then decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea.  
  
"Fine," he finally said, "I'll help."  
  
"Good," I smiled, "here's what you need to do. . ."  
  
~*~  
  
"Well," said Rachel as we walked back to the Common Room, "that went well."  
  
"It definitely went better then we thought," I said. "Pig brains."  
  
"I'm sorry," said the Fat Lady, "the Mary-Sue changed the password."  
  
"Again!?" the three of us yelled.  
  
"Guess it this time," the Fat Lady said in a bored voice.  
  
"Crysantha?" I guessed. "Middle-Earth? Mellon? Legolas?"  
  
"There you go!" and she swung open.  
  
"Legolas," Sarah muttered, disgusted.  
  
"I just hope our plan works," said Rachel as we walked in to the Common Room only to see every guy in Gryffindor (except for Harry and Ron who were no where to be seen) staring at Crysantha. "Oh! Fawkes!" she called as I tried to go up to bed. "Your mom was looking for you, you should go find her." Muttering darkly under my breath, I walked back out in to the hall.  
  
"I wish you wouldn't bother me all the time," said the Fat Lady. "When are all of you girls going to leave?"  
  
"I have no idea," I muttered as I walked away. That was the great thing about the Fat Lady; she was never fooled and always ignored. Plus, she can always see what's happening around the castle.  
  
Faintly I could've sworn I heard funeral music playing, but it was probably my mind playing tricks on me. Opening the door, I saw her sitting there, correcting papers; my mom, Arwen.  
  
I coughed to get her attention and she looked up at me. "Fawkes!" she said, getting up and hugging me, also nearly suffocating me in the process. She's one of those people you try to avoid when it comes to hugs because she can really squeeze a person.  
  
"Hi mom," I said rather dully as she let go of me and looked me over, deciding what to say. "You weren't in class yesterday, how come?"  
  
"Wasn't feeling well," I muttered. Sometimes it was rather interesting to have Arwen teach Defense Against the Dark Arts because sometimes the author would try to sneak in another character to take her place; Remus is the favorite.  
  
"Have you met Crysantha?" she asked.  
  
"Yes," I said darkly as I looked up at Arwen. Sometimes she'd briefly come out of her Mary-Sue trance, but, unfortunately, this didn't seem like one of those times.  
  
"Have you been nice to her?"  
  
"Of course!" I lied.  
  
She nodded, apparently satisfied with my answer. "Good, I'm glade you two are getting along." I have a feeling that that's not why she called me down to her office. "We're going to have some visitors next week." Oh shit! Legolas is coming! Is the Fellowship coming with him? I hope not!  
  
"Why?" I asked. There was a long pause in the story and a silence from where I was standing. Ah, of course, there is no reason. Well, as soon as I realized that Arwen wasn't going to say anything, I left. Great, more people from Middle-Earth, just what I need; NOT!  
  
Never a moment's rest, now we're going to have to kill her sooner! Not that I'm complaining, of course. . .  
  
~*~*~  
  
A/N Well, there's the next chapter, hope you all liked it! To Sidra: Hey! Good IDEA! I should also kill what's-her-name from that crossover fic. But, just so you know, all this takes place BEFORE OotP, later I'll find more Sue fics for afterwards, but right now this is how it's going. Well, anyway! Hope you've enjoyed the story so far, bye all!  
  
~Fawkes 


	4. And Action!

A/N Everyone say, 'hi' to my nice new computer that is now IN MY ROOM! *does happy dance* I'll be able to update more often. *silence* Ok, ok, whatever. Anyway! Here's the next chapter to the story, I even have the next chapter written up for when I come around to typing that too. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 4: And Action!  
  
It was the afternoon on Monday and everyone was in place; including the cute-fluffy-animal-that's-not-really-cute-and-fluffy 'guardian' of mine, Bageera.  
  
Ok, Bageera is a black lab that I haven't mentioned before because I tried to lose her in the Forbidden Forest a few days ago. Unfortunately, I didn't. So there she was, waiting for my signal at the end of the corridor.  
  
"It's actually sort of a good thing that Bageera came back," said Rachel, "she can prove useful." I grunted in reply. I didn't like Bageera because she was sarcastic, annoying, and a constant reminder that I'm a Mary-Sue. Sarah says we don't get along because we're almost exactly alike, go figure.  
  
Speaking of which, here comes our doomed to be now. I gave the signal to Bageera and she started whimpering. "The rest of you go on ahead," said Crysantha to the other girls she was with, "I'll be right there." The other girls shrugged and walked away.  
  
"Rachel!" I whispered urgently, "Go with Filch!" Rachel left through the secret passageway behind Sarah and I to get ready for what would be the second to last stage of the plan.  
  
"Oh, you poor animal," muttered Crysantha as she approached Bageera who started whimpering louder to show her 'pain.'  
  
"Sarah! Now!" I whispered.  
  
"Oh! Crysantha!" yelled Sarah, coming up behind her. "Could you hold this for me?" Sarah shoved the potion vial into Crysantha's hand, causing it to break. "Oh no!" said Sarah in mock concern, "Now I'll have to do that potion all over again."  
  
"Um. . ." slightly confused did not even begin to describe the look on Crysantha's face. Its times like these that I wish video camera's worked at Hogwarts.  
  
There was a falter in the story as whoever was writing about Crysantha tried to figure out what was going on.  
  
"Come on Filch and Rachel," I thought. Not two seconds later, they appeared behind Bageera, who stopped whimpering and ran fast towards where I was hiding.  
  
"Do you think your plan will work?" she asked as she took her favorite position; lying down.  
  
"Of course it'll work!" I snapped. "It's logical, and we know Sues can't handle logic."  
  
"I don't see how it's logical."  
  
"What doesn't seem logical to you?"  
  
"The potion."  
  
"Ah, that. Restricted Section of the library. It's from the same book that Harry, Ron, and Hermione used to get the Polyjuice Potion from."  
  
"What exactly does it do?"  
  
"It temporarily drains a person of energy, which means our Sue can't do magic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I get to finish her off." Filch and Rachel came up behind Crysantha and tied her up. She didn't fight much because the potion had taken effect and her energy was draining.  
  
"Crysantha!" I called; bow drawn. Cheesy rhyming again, need to take care of that. "How are you?"  
  
"Wha-what's happening?" she asked, her Technicolor eyes shining with tears, "What's going on?"  
  
"Oh! Stop crying Mary-Sue!" I snapped. "You're a Mary-Sue and you deserve to die and don't even try to argue with me, I usually win at these types of things. Besides, if you do argue it'll just piss me off and I'll kill you more slowly and painfully." She closed her mouth. "Any last words?"  
  
There was a strain on Crysantha's face as she either tried to kill us with her 'amazing powers', or think. "I don't understand. . ."  
  
"No one ever does," said Sarah, and I shot Crysantha.  
  
"Party at the Three Broomsticks?" I asked. Everyone smiled (including Filch, it was quite creepy), parties are fun.  
  
~~~  
  
A/N Well, there you have it! Another chapter out! It actually took me forever to type this up because I've been sort of ignoring it. The next chapter is already written up and in the POV of Rachel instead of Fawkes this time because everyone but Rachel and Bageera get drunk so it's their POV on the whole party situation. I would like to say ahead of time that I don't want any flames for how the characters act when they are drunk (especially all you rabid Remus lusters out there). On second thought. . .flames are amusing. And Allie needs some for her flamethrowers for all the Sues in the His Dark Materials section. TTFN, Ta ta For Now!  
  
~Fawkes 


	5. I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am POV o...

A/N I probably should be memorizing for Drama right now. . .but, oh well! I pretty much have got it memorized already and I need something to do that's enjoyable. . .for me. Well, here it is, all the characters are getting drunk, what fun! Lol! You have no idea how much fun this was to write, but I hope you enjoy reading it. Bye!  
  
Chapter 5: I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am (POV of Rachel)  
  
The five of us (Bageera included) entered the Three Broomsticks for a little 'Yay! The bitch is dead!' party. There were more people there then we thought would be; apparently there had been a scheduled Hogsmead weekend planned before the Sue showed up.  
  
Amazing how fast the place can clear of students when Filch comes in looking as if Christmas had come early. Unfortunately, the teachers stayed; this would prove to be a problem later.  
  
"Drinks all around!" I called with a smile. It's not like we'd have to pay later anyway, the concept of money seemed to have disappeared a long time ago. Fawkes grabbed a drink and drank it in one gulp. It just went downhill from there. .  
  
Two drinks later, she was on the counter singing a very drunken version of 'Ding-dong! The bitch is dead!' Something else that was very unfortunate, the teachers joined. They were drunk too. In fact, 15 minutes later, Bageera and I were the only ones not drunk; I had learned my lesson long ago. . .  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Fawkes and Sarah are sitting on the Common Room chairs trying to settle a very minor hangover when Rachel comes down the stairs screaming at the top of her lungs wearing her nightdress.  
  
Fawkes looks up and smiles, "Did you have a fun night with Seamus?" Rachel looks at her, horrified. After a few seconds her hangover takes full effect and she collapses to the ground.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Thank you, but I want to wake up alone tomorrow. I have to say though, this is getting entertaining. . .  
  
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea!?"  
  
"SPONGBOB SQUAREPANTS!"  
  
"Absorbent and yellow and pores is he!"  
  
"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"  
  
"What I'd like to know it how they all know the Spongebob theme song," I said to Bageera.  
  
"American influence," she replied, trying to sleep. I swear that dog can sleep anywhere.  
  
Well, I turned my attention back to 'the entertainment' just in time because Fawkes then jumped down from the bar where she had been 'dancing' and full on kissed a very surprised (and very drunk) Remus Lupin. I think I can hear the screaming fangirls from here. Oh, and now they're forming plots against Fawkes' life; Remus kissed back.  
  
Keep in mind they've all had more drinks then they should have and Fawkes looks about 22 rather then 15. Mary-Sue disease, makes you look older (or younger, depends on how you look at it).  
  
Note to self: stay far away from staff and Sarah and Fawkes. I'm just glade isn't Arwen here; she could have made matters even worse.  
  
Holy crap! Is that Dumbledore dancing on the table over there? Scarred for life! Scarred for life! "Bageera, should we leave?"  
  
"Are you kidding? This is great!" This is also getting slightly scary. Never, ever let your teachers have alcohol, especially when they're as old as McGonagall and Dumbledore (who are now doing the tango to some unheard music).  
  
"We are the champions, my friend!" I wish Sarah wouldn't sing. She's not too good at it while sober, she's even worse when drunk.  
  
"We should do something," I told Bageera.  
  
"Just make sure none of them leave," said Bageera as she gave up trying to sleep and just watched. Bageera's plan was easier said then done; all of them were trying to come out in pairs (I don't think I need to explain why).  
  
"Sarah! No!" I yelled as I tried to pull her and Dean away from the door (did I mention some of the students came back?). Sarah giggled, "Aw, come on Rachel! Don't spoil the fun!" Actually, it was more slurred then that, but if I told you exactly what she said, you'd be confused.  
  
"Sarah, I am not letting you go through that door!"  
  
"Sarah giggled again, "Fine then! Come on Dean, lets rejoin the party!" So Dean and Sarah went 'dancing' with everyone else.  
  
Well, it was certainly work trying to keep everyone inside, and other people outside! I really didn't want anyone else coming in and getting drunk; there was way too many in here already!  
  
Well, few hours passed and, eventually, everyone except Bageera and I had passed out. After making sure everyone was still alive and putting them up- right and all, I sat down; glade that I finally didn't have to keep anyone from going outside and the party had stopped. It was just my luck that people still wanted to get in. "Go away!" I shouted and many of them walked away, stunned after seeing all their teachers (except for Arwen, and Hagrid were no where to be found) passed out on the floor.  
  
"Well," said Bageera, "you did it."  
  
"Yeah," I said, "but it's going to be a hell of a Monday."  
  
~  
  
A/N Well, there it is! That only took a little while to type. Hope you enjoy it, because, like I said, I enjoyed writing it. And like I said in the last chapter: they're all drunk, so they're not out of character. Although. . .perhaps getting them all drunk was a bit out of character. . .but, whatever. This is the fanfiction world, so much can happen. Well, until next time, TTFN!  
  
~Fawkes 


	6. Hungover

A/N Despite the fact that I _should _be working on the next chapter for the PPC fic that is long due to be updated. . .I needed to update this. 

Well, anyway! I guess this chapter could also be called, 'The Morning After'. . .but 'Hangovers' sounds better and kind of explains how. . .er. . ._most_ of the characters feel at the moment. I think this might be the last chapter before book 5 'comes out' (at least in their world anyway). So. . .enjoy!

Chapter 6: Hangovers

            I woke up the next morning wishing I were dead and trying to figure out what had happened the night before. Obviously I'd gotten drunk, but why? Oh yeah, we partied because we'd killed the bitch. Let's see; a vague image of all the teachers dancing and singing, Rachel and Bageera by the door, and kissing. . .

            Oh crap! Did I actually do _that_?! Am I being hunted down by rabid fangirls now? Oh crap! Oh crap! Hey. . .wait a minute. . .what was he doing there in the first place, he's not a teacher. . .I dashed out of the room (both wand and sword with my in case any rabid fangirls decided to suddenly attack me in the halls) to see what would become of our new professor _this_ time.

            The good news about me being 'half-elven' is that the author chooses when I'm hung-over and when I'm not because they can never remember whether or not Elves get hangovers. At the moment, my hangover was mild enough so that the yelling in the classroom didn't bother me much; but it sure bothered Remus.

            "_What_ do you think you're doing!?" Sheesh, mom sure does have a set of lungs on her. . .I just called her 'mom' didn't I? Oh well! 

"I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," Remus said, holding his head (or, at least, that's what the author said, it was a rather interesting sight. . .), "And could you please not yell?"

             "_I_ am the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in this school," Arwen said with a certain pride (_Why_ she said it like that I don't think I'll _ever_ know. . .), "you can even ask Professor Dumbledor himself." Oh dear; headache returning, headache returning!

            "Dumbledor is the one who appointed me," Remus groaned (head back on the proper place between his shoulders).

            "Oh really?" Arwen stormed out of the room, her whole third year class following her. Remus sat down at the desk, and then spotted me. Realization suddenly dawned upon him. "I have to. . .go. . .now!" I said, quickly getting as far away from the classroom as possible and in search of Rachel and Sarah. I found both of them 5 minutes later in the Common Room.

            Sarah was on the couch, laying down with a pillow over her head to block out all sound, and Rachel was happily sitting by the fire, reading a book. When I walked in, Rachel looked up and Sarah merely groaned to show that she was still alive. "No hangover?" Rachel asked with her eyebrows raised. 

            "On and off," I replied meekly, sitting down on one of the squishy armchairs.

            "Boy Sarah," Rachel said, turning to her friend with a wide smile on her face as Sarah groaned again, "The oh god of Hangovers is smiling down on you!" Rachel was reading Discworld again, go figure. What other book has a God of Hangovers? 

            I wonder if Discworld has Mary-Sues, hum. . .

            Well, anyway, back to the task at hand. "Do you know why Remus is here?" I asked. Rachel looked up from her book and blinked, "I never really paid attention to that, I was more worried about keeping you all inside and everyone else outside."

            Sarah mumbled something, but I couldn't hear or understand it because 1) she wasn't talking very loudly and 2) her face was still buried in the pillow.

            "Sarah, we can't understand a word you're saying," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. Sarah just groaned. "How much did she have to drink?" I asked.

            "Dunno," answered Rachel, "lost count after about 5."

            "What about me?"

            "You? I wasn't worried about how much you were drinking; I was more concerned about what you were going to do when drunk."

            "Remus?"

              "Yeah, he was pretty drunk too. So were McGonagall and Dumbledor; never get them drunk, it will scar you for life."

            Sometimes its best not to remember what happened when you were drunk; this is one of those times I am now going to act like I don't know what happened yesterday. Ohhh! Headache!

            "In other news," Rachel continued, putting her book down, "I do happen to know why Remus is here; another Sue has followed him."

            "Can't they have breaks in between each other?" Sarah (who had finally decided to rejoin the living) groaned. Rachel laughed, "You're funny when you're hungover Sarah." What exactly was so funny about multiple Sues showing up at every damn hour of the day I don't think I'll ever know. "She's a teacher assistant," Rachel continued, "and if I tell you it's a Romance story then I think you know what's coming."

            It's going to be a very long week. . .


End file.
